Gun Appreciation Day is almost upon us and what could be more exciting than taking your gun out on a date, with ‘your Constitution and American flags and take our hands off my guns sign”? For Conservatives participating in this right wing stunt in the wake of the Newtown massacre, while waving your flags, we have some tips for you because we care.
One could highlight this event by purchasing moar guns! For example, you can buy a semiautomatic Bushmaster XM-15 rifle just like Adam Lanza’s or, 9mm semiautomatic pistol just like the Sikh temple shooter’s. Orrr….a Remington 870 pump-action 12-gauge shotgun, Smith & Wesson M&P15 semiautomatic rifle and Glock .40-caliber semiautomatic pistol just like James Holmes’.
Now that you’ve bought the necessary items for your date, you need an itinerary since flag waving only takes up a few minutes of time.
Hold your gun. Let it know that you love it. Caress it but be careful not to have a premature gun-gasm.
While romancing your gun later, or in the midst of your gun orgy — since you’re a manly man — do not point it at your dick even though it may be tempting. Said gun may not be that into you.
We are well aware of your patriotism since this event is held just two days before President Obama’s inauguration, which is also two days before Martin Luther King Day. But, you can additionally purchase a set of American flag eyes lenses, so that everyone will know that you’re
fucking crazy a patriot.
Or you could just be honest with your gun. Why don’t couples do this more often? You could tell it that you’re participating in this stunt, much like you did the Tea Party rallies simply because President Obama — the Black guy — is proposing the exact same measures as George H.W. Bush, but he’s just not as white as you and that pisses you off. Call it a grudge date.
Don’t talk too much on your date.
Whatever you do, do not extol the virtues of Ronald Reagan, when in actuality, you have more in common with Archie Bunker. You might suffer from penis shrinkage. Reagan too, supported gun control. So, have fun! Oh, and don’t forget the misspelled signs. We haven’t stopped laughing since the Tea Party’s inception. How about revisiting that image of President (twice elected!) Obama as a Kenyan witchdoctor and making a snappy sign. Now there’s an idea!
Reading material for your date: William K. Wolfrum on, “I love you, Bushmaster .223. You truly make me a man.”
And you’re welcome! We’re here to help.