Right wingers were beside themselves after the fiscal cliff negotiations didn’t display more gnashing of the teeth from their elected officials. Of course, the tax cuts were set to expire anyway, but never mind all that facty stuff. So, the sneaky wabbits met secretly and plotted John Boehner’s downfall. This is how the whole thing played out, step-by-step.
Bloomberg BusinessWeek reports
So they decided to make an example of him by denying him the speakership.
First step: Finding an alternative. As my editors would happily tell them, it’s a lousy job. Eric Cantor didn’t want it. Paul Ryan didn’t want it. But they decided not to let this detail slow them down.
Next step: Plotting. This one didn’t go too well either. On Wednesday night, an amused Republican staffer called me to report that Representatives Jim Jordan, Paul Gosar, Raul Labrador, and Steve Southerland were gathered at Bullfeathers, a Capitol Hill bar, openly plotting their coup. Not exactly the Roman Senate scheming to dispatch Caesar.
Get ready. Your tummy is about to hurt from laughter:
Final step: Pulling it off. Here’s where things went truly, hilariously awry. Any good coup depends on stealth. But on Thursday, an enterprising Politico photographer snapped Representative Tim Huelskamp sitting in open session reading from his iPad—not making this up—the entire roster of the plot against Boehner. Just so there was no mistaking that he was up to no good, the document was entitled “YOU WOULD BE FIRED IF THIS GOES OUT.” Not making that up either.
(my bold because it’s crazy!)
Politico reports (just in case you don’t believe me):
Rep. Tim Huelskamp (R-Kan.) — who was recently removed from key committees and supported Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) for speaker — sat on the House floor during the speaker vote brandishing an iPad. A message was displayed on the screen ticking off members of the House Republican Conference he hoped would oppose the sitting speaker. The title of the document: “You would be fired if this goes out.”
Among the Republicans on the list were Reps. Steve King (Iowa), Cynthia Lummis (Wyo.), Paul Gosar (Ariz.), Scott Garrett (N.J.), Steve Fincher (Tenn.) and Scott Desjarlais (Tenn.). All of them ultimately supported Boehner.
Oh, they must mean this Scott DeJarlais.
The irony here is thick. DeJarlais was caught recently in numerous affairs concluding in an abortion or two after campaigning as a pro-lifer. How did he get caught? — In a phone conversation which he taped. But, here at FreakOutNation we are sneaky wabbits too and that conversation was secretly sent to us and we published it.
Huelskamp’s and others’ whipping efforts to oust the speaker fell short, though several lawmakers listed in the Kansan’s iPad message did oppose Boehner, including Reps. Justin Amash (Mich.), Louie Gohmert (Texas) and Paul Broun (Ga.).
Protip (Because I plan coups all the time): Do not have the Keystone Cops plot such a covert operation. I’m sure John Boehner has seen the list and “You will be fired if this goes out!”